Denial

I've been neglecting this blog lately. Mostly because autism has been weighing heavy on my heart lately and sometimes I'd rather not think about it. This is a sort of denial I often engage in. I am learning that this process which people kept calling a "journey" in the beginning, really is just that, a journey. Just when you think your are through with one of the stages of this process, it pops up and your get to experience it all over again. Take denial for example. In addition to my escapist tendencies, I recently discovered a deeper sort of denial living inside of me.

My son was diagnosed just over 2 years ago. Surely I was long past the stage of denial. I knew my son had autism. I told people about it. I joined the Autism Society of America and Autism Speaks. I put him in special education classes. I tried to learn about autism. I do not deny that my son has autism. But then it dawned on me that I had a deeply held belief I've been clinging to. I've always felt that my son would be okay. He has gotten lots of help, and his autism is moderate to mild. But I've been telling myself that someday we'll hardly have to think about autism anymore, that someone would be able to look at Josh and never know about his diagnosis, that for all intents and purposes autism would hardly be a part of our lives at all. And maybe that could still happen but I think autism will be with me for the rest of my life and for the rest of my son's life. The role it plays in our lives will probably lessen but it will never go away completely. Mainly because it has changed our family. And this is not necessarily a bad thing. Hopefully we are more patient and understanding. When I see a mother struggling with her child in a public place, my heart always goes out to her and I try to decide if I should try and help. I think we are stronger too. And more aware of the many challenges individuals face daily. Autism is only one kind of "disability." My politics have changed too. I have become a little more liberal when it comes to insuring that people with disabilities, and children in particular are getting the services they need, whether they can pay for them themselves or not. I do think families should be encouraged and allowed to contribute what they can to the costs of their child's care but no child with a disability should be without care. All of these changes and others like it have made me realize that despite the pain and discouragement I often feel, many good and wonderful things have come my way. And for that I can only be grateful.