Support

Today Josh had swimming lessons at the YMCA with a little friend of his. I'll post something about that later when I have some pictures. After swimming lessons I like to take the kids to McDonald's and since it was raining I decided this would be a good day to let Josh run around in one of those germ-infested play places. I can't tell you how those make me cringe. But Josh was such a good boy, eating his lunch, then telling me he was done and hopping back and forth from foot to foot as if to say, "please, please let me go play over there." So of course I let him go and he had a blast. He was going to have to have a bath when we got home anyway.

After playing for awhile, Josh did something really amazing, something he's never done before. Josh came out of the ginormus play structure and looked around for me. I caught his eye and gave him a smile and a wave. He smiled back, made sure of where I was and then went back to playing. I turned to the other mothers and said, "Did you see that? He checked in with me?" One of my friends smiled and said yes. It may not seem like that big of a deal, but kids with autism often don't "check-in." Even as little babies, they seem lost in their own world. Josh was like this and it's part of the reason his diagnosis was moderate rather than mild autism. I didn't understand this checking-in phenomenon until we had Jane. When she played, she wanted me to play with her. She still brings things to show me and looks to me when she is unsure of something. Josh didn't do this. He could play forever by himself if you let him. In fact if I tried to interact or play with him, sometimes he would get frustrated and shut down. I just thought he was a deep-thinker, a mellow kid. Another name for "checking-in" is social referencing and it's a huge part of how we communicate as human beings. We look at each other, try to read reactions and emotions, seek help. This is a skill that Josh is learning because either he is unable to do it or does not wish to. I can't be sure. But it is a vital skill. I was reminded of this today at lunch.

I invited the mother of the little boy Josh has swim lessons with to come with us. Her little boy goes to Josh's preschool. At McDonald's we ran into two other mothers who have children at the preschool. The moms all sat together while the kids played and swapped stories of our experiences, fears, worries, triumphs. It was great! Having other moms to talk to who are going through similar experiences is such a huge part of this journey. I'm not sure how well I'd be doing if not for good friends who also happen to have children with special needs. I love the support group at Josh's school too. It's such a lifesaver. We don't have a great turnout each month and it makes me sad to think of other mothers who are uncomfortable reaching out through a support group. It's such a benefit to me that I want it for others but everyone has to do things in their own way. I absolutely respect that. Still, I'm grateful for all the support I've gotten in this process. I had a friend tell me the other day, "We moms have to stick together so we can stick it out." I love that. I don't know where it came from or if she made it up but it's so true, whether you have special needs children or not. I think as moms we spend too much time comparing and competing and not enough time patting each other on the back. Motherhood is the hardest job of all and we need all the support we can get.